Reflections

 

 Catherine and Landon Edwards 14 Jan 2012

Patrick and Raymond Zmolek 19 Feb 2007

There are times that make you look back at events in your own life.  The life of Landon Vick Edwards is one of those times.  Landon spent all two hours of his life in his mother's arm, before leaving this world.  I would like to consider myself good friends of the mother and her family, and their loss is heart breaking.  I remember the first time I held my son Raymond in my arms, and how precious it was to me.  Back then, I did not know that our time would be cut shorter then I would have liked, and I could only imagine what was going through Landon's parents minds, knowing that he was not going to be in this world long (he was premature and weighed only 4 lbs 10 oz).  While my heart grieves for their loss, it has forced me to look back at my own loss, even though my circumstances are quite different.  I think about the times playing catch with dad in the yard my boys will miss, the important father/son talks that they will miss out on, and being there to comfort them as a father when they hit rough spots in their life, or helping them to make important life changing decisions.  I really do not know who has it worse, them or me.  I am missing out on all the important milestones in their life, and cannot share in their joys, and help them in their sorrows, but they on the other hand do not have their father figure with them to help and guide them on their way.  I guess I should take comfort in the fact that even though they are not with me, they are somewhere, and that there is still a chance that I may be reunited with them some day.  To be honest, though, I have all but lost hope.  the best that I can do is hold on to what memories I have, and take comfort in the fact that they were well spent, and I have no regrets about how I raised my boys.  I wish my boys the best, even though I am not their.  Love you Raymond, and love you Tyler.

Post Christmas, Pre New Years

So just finished off the work week today, and now I find myself with some time, so I think I will start this blog.  This past week I spent Christmas with my cousin Rachel and her family up in Redmond.  I had such a great time up there.  Besides all the Christmas stuff, we went on a hike up in Twin Falls, visited Snoqualmie Falls, went to a bounce house, and just had a great time hanging out with family.  As much fun as it is hanging out with her family, I remember the first time I visited her.  Her youngest, Mark is just a little bit younger than my youngest, and while it was fun, I definitely had an emotional moment after leaving.  It has been so long since I have seen my children that I have almost forgotten what they look like, the only thing that is really clear being the emptiness in my life.  I have been weary of putting up any pictures on the walls because the memory is still quite painful, though getting much better.  It has just been a rough time this past year.  Not too long ago I got a roommate, so I had to take down the kids' bunk bed.  Never thought that something so simple as dismantling furniture would be so rough. I always looked at the bed as some kind of lingering hope that would be coming back soon.  I just really miss them.  I look at some families and think to myself, man it is great not having to worry about those kind of issues, like extremely stubborn kids, sibling rivalry, potty training, and bed time in general.  Really though, the good times more than make up for the bad, and that is what being a parent is all about, being there for your kids in the best of times and the worst of times.  If changing a smelly sticky diaper is the price I have to pay to enjoy a few hours of play time with my kids, then that is a steal of a deal and one price I will happily pay every time, even when it is all over the place...  I just miss my boys a lot and hope they had a great Christmas, where ever they are.  Daddy loves you guys.